I'll just wait for the movie

I don't read much. In fact when I think about it, I'm probably technically illiterate. I think it probably stems from my subconscious outrage of murder mystery "whodunnit" books... What uneducated bogan even invented that phrase?...for f*$k's sake...it's "Who DID it!"
*note to self... start a facebook group*

Now I'm not pretending to be smarter than everyone or anything like that ,but by default I will automatically assume I'm smarter than you, if only for the reason that I wouldn't waste my time reading meaningless dribble like this.
Honestly though, I think that society is seriously dumbing down... and I'm amazed constantly by people who read novels, but don't pick up on the proper way to spell or write grammatically correct sentences. This can only mean one thing... editors aren't needed anymore. What's the point of correcting spelling mistakes and stuff if the only people reading the books are people that don't appreciate it anyway!?

So for my next million dollar idea, I'm going to run with it, and I'll write my own novel to appeal to those people who aren't as anal about English as I am. The working title is "I brought a new car yesterday. I hope your going to love it to... its over their, next too the other car's. Lets go run a muck, maybe place a bet. I hope we dont loose!"


In all honesty, I think I'm just too lazy to read. Yes I'm that unfit that moving my eyes left and right that many times in a minute gets me out of breath.

We are the Juddy Blues

So the big news around Melbourne today is that after a rigorous interview process with 4 clubs, discussing facilities and team goals etc.. Chris Judd has chosen Carlton as his preferred destination next year. He's also requested that on match days in the change rooms there are 462 orange jelly beans and 2 bottles of water obtained from the distilling of the sweat of Himalayan monks.
What intrigues me about the whole saga though, is the photoshop skills of online news sites! Seriously, who is doing this stuff!?





I reckon I could probably get myself a job at the Herald Sun... but I'm a bit overqualified.

Blog is not a dirty word

So, some of you might have realised that I've been neglecting this blog lately. Kind of like the puppy that you've always wanted for christmas, you put the time in at the start until the novelty wears off, and then the reality kicks in, and you realise that it's actually a bit of hard work, and just because it's cute and full of fluff doesn't necessarily mean it will get you all the girls.
I also made the mistake of thinking that I had to save up stories, or think of lots to write at once to make it worthwhile. A wise lady once told me it doesn't matter how long it is, you can still get a lot of pleasure by the way it's used. Actually I think that was my sex therapist.

Stay tuned for semi regular updates.

My life is full of......... hmmm

I recently had my birthday, which gets the usual jibes of "happy birthday old man", and the stranges ones like "congratulations" and "well done", like they weren't expecting you to make it another year!
But you do kind of reflect a bit. Where your life is at, how many grey hairs you have, how many restraining orders are currently pending against you.
So here's a summary of the key things in my life at the moment.

My life is full of irony. I eat party pies when I'm not having a party. I like pole dancing, yet I'm not Polish. I chew cough lollies when I don't have a cough. Oh, except that time when I chewed one too fast, a piece got stuck in my throat and I started coughing. Now that's ironic.

My life is full of people only calling me when they want stuff. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of good people in my life that catch up just because they want to catch up with me. But there are also a heap of people who only want you for what you can do for them. Just last week I had one friend call wanting advice on something dumb , one friend call wanting me to fit them in for an "emergency" at my work, one lady from the electricity company wanting me to pay my overdue bill. It gets tiring.

My life is full of stupid instructions. I found myself staring at the container of Orange Juice before. For ages. I was only following instructions...the side of the container said "Orange Juice CONCENTRATE !"
I saw a sign on the freeway the other day that said “Next Turn Off Left”. For the next 1km I racked my brain to think of reasons a turn off would just pack up and go.
Oh, and this label on the side of a blank CD. The first three you probably wouldn't do, but it's handy to know. The last one however... hmmm. :








My life is full of cheese. The edible kind (like gouda, feta and gorgonzola), and also the non-edible kind (like Hasselhoff, Zoolander and Nova FM music). I think I need to be edgier. A bit more indie. Maybe a tattoo of the Hoff.

My life is full of sick people. Not "sick" as in keep body parts in the freezer and touch animals inappropriately, sick as in "oh my god i'm going to die of this cold". I don't seem to get sick very often, but there is always someone around me that's complaining about something. "My nose is leaking like a tap." Yeah, well that's just stupid! A properly installed tap shouldn't leak anyway! Serves you right for getting that non-English speaking plumber who uses cheap parts.
Although at least there aren't any major illnesses going around at the moment for people to get all hypochondriacal about. Gee, remember when the Bird Flu was apparently around, everyone was lining up for immunizations and stuff. There are so many conflicting stories about it, and especially where it originated.. I heard it started in Europe, and actually came from Turkey. But then someone else said it came from Chicken, so now I'm confused.

My life is full of strange Taxi drivers. There's the one who told me I have "beautiful hair". There's the one who told me www.adultmatchermaker.com is the best place to get "jiggy jiggy". And there's the one who dropped me off at 4am the other morning who told me to "have a nice night". I don't know what he thought I was going to get up to, but I was straight into bed.

My life is full of people who act smart. Not "smart" as in discussing the atomic weight of suspended hydrogen particles in molecular dysmorphia..."smart" as in "Your Mama's so fat ..when she steps on the scales it says 'to be continued'."
Although if you think about it, if they were actual "smart" people, being "smart" to eachother, they might have come up with something like "Your mother's so fat... she might have a genetic disorder linked to an inability to breakdown lipids inside the body."

My life is full of buying things on ebay. And not useful things either. I have to admit I got excited when I bought a “time machine to transport you to the 80s” from ebay, only to receive a broken watch with a picture of Boy George on it.

And finally (for now), my life is full of the internet. I couldn't live without it. The constant checking of emails, and just generally googling stuff. If it were an olympic sport I'd have a gold medal by now.
My brother setup my computer and he's a little bit internet security obsessed (and paranoid). He has all these firewalls and stuff installed...some websites don't even load properly. In fact he has so many popup blockers installed my toast wouldn't come up this morning.

What was that?

Do you ever hear songs, and think "what the hell did they say?"
Well, if you've ever played around on youtube, you might have come across some of the "misheard lyrics" videos.
Basically, people have interpreted songs as to how they think they go, with hilarious results.
There are some ordinary ones, but many are gold. Here are some highlights.
And some people say I, have too much time on my hands!

"Ain't no other man" - Christina Aguilera


"Even Flow" - Pearl Jam



"Say a little prayer" - Aretha Franklin


"Had a bad day" - Daniel Powter



"Say it right" - Nelly Furtado


"Black" - Pearl Jam







Well, I guess I did spend most of last night drinking beers by myself and pissing myself laughing at these, so obviously I do have way too much time. :|

Good Old Hells Angels forever...

I'm sick of turning on the news and hearing about Alan Didak and his brush with the Hells Angels.
Everytime you hear a report the story has changed. It's like Chinese whispers.. It starts off with him leaving the strippers in a fast car whilst a gun is fired at police, and by the end of the day it's changed to him riding home on a unicycle after leaving a Kenny G concert.
The focus has suddenly shifted to a footy player.. when really it should still be on the gunman who killed an innocent person in the street!
I did hear that Channel 9 were interested in the story...maybe for a miniseries. Apparently Eddie called Alan Didak down to the studios so he could shoot a pilot, but Didak told him "No Eddie, that's not what happened...he shot a solicitor!"
Still, I guess the whole football link is an interesting one. Didak did spend some time down at the Hells Angels headquarters (presumeably baking cakes for homeless people). What if he was merely conducting business on behalf of the CFC? Hells Angels might have considerable wealth between them. You can see the headlines now :

"Hells Angels have just been announced as the new major sponsor of the Collingwood Football Club. The club will be relocating from the MCG to it's new home, Campbellfield Oval. Next week's match against St Kilda will be to the death."

Lady Di, La-di-da.

So it's 10 years since Princess Diana passed away. She would have been 46 today.
I'm sure you would have caught some of the footage of the memorial on TV. It's a shame the real Queen couldn't be there to pay respect, but then again, Freddie Mercury died long ago too.
It's a defining moment in a lot of lives around the world, and I'm sure thousands have asked and answered the question "Where were you when you heard that Lady Di died?"
Me, not sure. I think I was on the crapper. Or as Di would have said "Sitting on the bogger."

To be honest, it's not something that really affected me. I was young, and didn't really now much about life around the world. I thought people from Albania had pink eyes and white hair.

Ten years is a long time. The world has changed immensely, and everyone seems to forget the other person that died in the accident : Dodi Fayed. I don't know if we're becoming more accepting of tragedy or what, but I suspect if news broke today that a "rich businessman died in Paris", people wouldn't bat an eyelid. They'd just assume some old guy croaked whilst having sex with one of the Hilton sisters.

People wont forget her in a hurry though. These days you can even hire Di impersonators, just in case you need a touch of poise and grace at your next corporate function/buck's night.

You do have to feel sorry for her children, Harry in particular. Not only does he have to live his life not getting to know his mother properly, but he has to endure red hair. I'm not sure what's worse, having to hear jokes like "What did Pink Floyd and Diana have in common? Their greatest hit was the Wall", or being called "Fanta Pants" for the rest of your life.

As a final rhetorical thought on the topic of Royalty, there are two things I've always wondered about the Queen :

1. Does the Queen sleep in a Queen size bed?
2. When the Queen gets asked for ID, does she just pull out a coin?

Look who's talking now.

Babies scare me. Not in a "Maccas has run out of nuggets and the fat woman is looking at me wondering how I'll taste with sweet and sour sauce" kind of way... but frightening nonetheless.
It's not that I don't like kids. I think I'd like some one day, maybe even breed a few of them and auction on ebay for a tidy profit, but not right now.
They just look like too much hard work.
The hard work starts long before the baby is even around. It's hard work making them for starters. Well, by that I mean finding someone who is willing to go halvies with you in a foetus.
Sorry, that description of having a baby sounds really wrong! Especially when I think in some African McDonalds they actually do divide Mcfoetus value meals in two.

Baby showers are something that intrigue me also. I'm so glad I'm a bloke. We get to avoid all that sort of stuff. Besides, what's so fun about standing around watching a 1yr old get hosed down in the backyard anyway?

And then there are all the presents. I went shopping for a present for a baby with my mother once. Every shop we'd go into she'd say "have a look to see if you can find any cute booties". Seriously, why mum wants me to perve on black womens' arses in a kid's clothing store is beyond me.

And how do you tell if a baby is cute or not? They all kind of look the same to me, much like puppies. And unlike puppies, kids cost a shitload to feed and look after.. and I've yet to come across a baby formula that promises healthy teeth and a shiny coat.

I've decided if by some miracle of science guys can become pregnant, then I will ask for a Caesarian. I reckon the bacon bits, anchovies and the croutons will give me the strength I need to get through pushing a baby out of my arse.
Although come to think of it, if that was the case.. maybe a Greek Salad would be better instead.

Which brings me to the real reason that I started this topic, and made you all endure my horrible and tasteless baby jokes. To tell you my favourite baby joke of all time :

What's the difference between a white baby and a black baby?
About 40 seconds in the microwave.


Please post hate mail below.

You've got (junk)mail!

Like a lot of people, I get an obscene amount of junk email coming into my inbox on a daily basis. I think it stems back years ago when my brother thought it was funny to sign me up for random mailing lists such as "Yeast appreciation society" and "Rape Victims Anonymous". Really, it was kind of childish, especially since he knew I was already a gold member of most of these already.
They pretty much try any trick in the book to get you to open them. Promises of naked bungee jumping Swedish girls, and cheap viagra might get some people, but they are getting more creative these days. Some merely say "Hi how are you?", or "want to have sex with me? aacenkjn;af", just in case you're lonely, bored, and probably a little bit drunk.

But today was a first, I received a blank email.
I couldn't quite figure it out. Is this some sort of new age thing, where you send people a blank email and they have to imagine something funny (eg Larry Emdur dressed in a superman outfit riding a unicycle?), or something interesting (eg Facts about pineapples being use to treat baldness in Elephants), or pretend it is a chain mail from a dying 6yr old Zimbabwe kid requesting money for an urgent big toe transplant?

Unfortunately tv and beer has killed my imagination, so it still remains blank for me. But I like its style.

Danthena Starman

There are so many unanswered questions in the world, such as "before they invented the drawing board, what did they go back to?" and "is baby oil made from real babies?"

People seek guidance through many avenues, and one common one is to read the daily horoscopes.
In reality though, just like when you're driving in Europe, reading the signs isn't easy.
With all that ambiguous drivel, it can be bloody confusing. The first time I read that Mercury was in retrograde I just figured it meant my thermometer was broken.

Well, fear no more. I'm here to help by analysing the stars for you, and I don't mean telling you that Owen Wilson needs a nose job.

I should clarify though, I don't actually have any crystal balls (or anything else from Sexyland), but I thought I would take the time out of my really busy schedule to explain a horoscope in laymen's terms, so you can discover its true meaning. (By the way, if anyone sees me online in half an hour remind me Big Brother is on).


So without further ado, I will now go all mystic.


CANCER (JUNE 22 - JULY 23)
The romantic partner of your dreams could very well enter your life at any moment. You’ll recognize them immediately by the electric current between the two of you. At work, stay focused to ensure a competitor doesn’t get ahead.

Dan's expert analysis :
You have been trying to fight it for so long, but it's time that you owned up to the fact you are sexually attracted to the microwave in the staff room. Watch out though, the new bitch in marketing has been eyeing him off too.

LEO (JULY 24 - AUG 23)
Increased messages, education and information sees you mentally downloading from the universe. Fine tune those communications but do keep an eye on the phone bill. A positive time connected to education and relating.

Dan's expert analysis :
It's very hard checking your myspace, emailing people and downloading full length movies when you are on miserable dialup. Plus the excess megabyte fees are expensive. Learn your lesson.. it's time to get broadband.

VIRGO (AUG 24 - SEPT 23)
This is a good time to take an in depth survey of your most important relationship. Study yourself first and determine whether any harbored anger is causing you to sabotage the connection. Tackle whatever problems exist in a healthy, direct way.

Dan's expert analysis :
Get to know yourself by masturbating as much as possible. If you're too exhausted, try taking vitamins.

LIBRA (SEPT 24 - OCT 23)
Only acceptance will allow you to move on. Remember a new seed grows from the same place, that you originally buried it. Have faith that although nothing is forever, life actually is. Living in the present is what you need now.

Dan's expert analysis :
Look, just deal with the fact that you're fat, unattractive and might possibly never have sex again. Go check on that marijuana plant you've put in the backyard, it's probably big enough to smoke now. Roll yourself a spliff and contemplate the meaning of life.

SCORPIO (OCT 24 - NOV 22)
There are changes at the top, as the power brokers reshuffle the checkerboard. Read the winds of change and set your sails accordingly. There are new starts ahead impacting on your status or career.

Dan's expert analysis :
All the bosses at work are swingers, they wife swap regularly. Make subtle hints to the right people and you'll be invited to the next party on their high priced yacht. You'll be climbing that corporate ladder to success in no time.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV 23 - DEC 22)
If it's not children that please you then you're giving birth to something new. This creative project really has wings. It pays to network now. A case of finding an appreciative audience for your talents.

Dan's expert analysis :
Even though it was thought scientifically impossible, you've found a way to conceive with birds. You're a freak, join one of those circus sideshows and you'll become rich with your half pigeon half human deviant babies.


CAPRICORN (DEC 23 - JAN 20)
This is a time that is especially favorable for enjoying friends, acquaintances and also your primary partner. Taking a "sentimental journey" together would tighten your bond of connection. A friend from the past may surface for a visit or you may choose to seek out someone to say hello.

Dan's expert analysis :
Finally someone has responded to your ad in the personals section for a dirty threesome with your missus. By cooincidence it's a friend from primary school. Dirty bastard.

AQUARIUS (JAN 21 - FEB 19)
Relationships may feel intense and complicated at this time. You may sense some negative force at work. If this is so, look deeply inside for a hidden motive. If this does not exist, then ask your partner whether he/she notices any discomfort. An open discussion will work wonders.

Dan's expert analysis :
It's possible your mate from primary school gave your girlfriend gonnorhea. It's tough, but you have to let her know. Better have her checked out.

PISCES (FEB 19 - MAR 20)
Resist the temptation to be impulsive this week, Virgo. A decision regarding your personal or financial life that is made in haste could result in future regret. A friend or colleague has some great advice, take notice before you leap into a rash choice.

Dan's expert analysis :
Always bet on black. You were gonna bet on red weren't you? Silly bugger.

ARIES (MARCH 21 - APRIL 20)
When it concerns living, and the level of lifestyle you've been used to or want to become used to, you can't avoid bringing up finances. In any negotiations over the weekend concerning cash, make sure you don't come off second best.

Dan's expert analysis :
Rent's due, you're gas bill is overdue, and they've cut off your phone. Time to reconsider that topless waitressing job that the sleazy guy at the pub keeps offering you. Haggle well and you'll be on easy street in no time.

TAURUS (APRIL 21 - MAY 21)
There's no free lunch, Taurus, and that means you also need to get something out of your good natured-ness to keep relations on an equal keel. There's nothing wrong with being selfish, that's how win-win outcomes are arrived at.

Dan's expert analysis :
Time to confront the bitch at work who has been stealing your food from the fridge.
Tell the ho that if she does it again, her mouth won't be the only place you shove your your leftover caesar salad.

GEMINI (MAY 22 - JUNE 21)
To snare that perfect job or promotion, you'll want to get noticed by the power players who can make the decisions. This is your year to advance, if extra cash hasn't already made it's way to the bank account, then it's in transit.

Dan's expert analysis :
You want a pay raise? Wear a short skirt to work, or show a lot of cleavage. If that doesn't work offer to have naked cuddles with your immediate superior in the tea room. That diamond ring you've lusted for will almost certainly be yours.

Clap Clap

If you've ever been to a taping of a TV show, you'll be familiar with the warm up guy. He's the energetic dude that is supposed to make you laugh and feel comfortable, and train you in the art of being happy at the right moments. I think they're usually failed standup comedians/traffic conductors. It's actually a lot of work being in the audience...there's like 10 different types of audience response. The warm up dude has all these hand signals, for instance two fingers means laugh hard, fist pump means wild applause, and arm waving means cheer loudly. So pretty much the same instructions I dish out in the bedroom.

Anyway, long before warm up guys, the big tv shows used to have those applause signs to let you know when to clap. Press a button, and whoever is around knows what to do. Eg :




Wouldn't life be much easier if you had such signs around?
Ah, work would be a breeze if only I had these two.

Melbourne Mayhem!

Unless you've been sleeping under a garbage bin, and probably also if you were...if you are in Melbourne there is no doubt you would have heard about yesterday's shootings in the middle of the city.
I was reading a bit in the paper about what happened..it's just terrible.
Apparently it all started when he was abusing a stripper outside Bar 20, where he had been most of the night, obviously looking at naked girls and probably getting countless lap dances. At least now we all know the answer to that old adage "Is that a gun in your pocket...?"

But I'm not trying to make jokes about the situation. It's really horrible. Especially the fact that a couple of blokes trying to do the right thing became innocent victims in it all. I really don't know what I would have done in that situation. I'm pretty gutless, the most daring thing I've done in years is to walk on a "don't walk" signal, or drink milk from the side that says "open other side". Although I did once tell a guy off at a house party when he was smashing plates on the floor and it wasn't his house... and it wasn't a Greek wedding either.

What got me thinking though was the photos of the people they showed on the news. The poor heroic lawyer guy that was killed, they had some old photo of him wearing a bow tie with his wife. They must have been struggling to find photos of the girl, because they kept mentioning and showing snippets of her "website" and photos from it, which was just her myspace page.
It makes you wonder though. I don't think I have really proper or serious photos of myself. If I was gunned down tomorrow, what photos would they show to sum up my character?
Imagine if this photo montage was on the front page, because it's all they could find.


Really. If I wasn't dead, I'd die of embarrassment.

It's Myspace, but I'm claustrophobic !

Ah myspace. It's a world of its own isn't it?
I still can't quite work out what it's for. Well, I mean apart from getting drunk and looking up the girl Imogen from primary school that you thought was cute, out of the possibility that she's now an international supermodel and has fondly lusted after you all these years but hasn't found a way to contact you.... but of course that's not something I would do...

I think the best summary I can figure is that it's all about keeping in contact with people, when you don't necessarily want to see or speak to them in real life. It's like a "Hi how are you?" without obligation.

The thing about myspace though, is that privacy is out the door. It's like having an SMS convo that everyone can read. A phone conversation that everyone can hear. An attempt to pick up a hot chick in a bikini where everyone observes you being shut down.

Now I don't want to generalise too much, and I don't know if it's just me, but did everyone on the damn thing fail year 8 English or what?
It's almost to the point where you need an "English to Myspace" dictionary.
And I'm not talking about SMS abbreviations either...I mean basic grammatical skills.
Just for your reference, if you do fall into this category :

Your is not the same as you're.
They're, their and there are not interchangeable.
Brought doesn't mean bought.
To, too, two and tutu do not mean the same thing.
Gorjuz is not a word!

Honestly, if the people of myspace spent less time taking photos of themselves in various states of undress, in various serial killer poses, and studied the English language more, the world would be a better place.

Now let's all get back to what the internet was really made for... emailing around photos of the Hoff.






PS. www.myspace.com/encino_

PPS. Any spelling or grammatical errors in this post are clearly sabotage by the secret underground myspace mafia, and are of no fault of my own.

Edible food.

Quite a while ago there was mass hysteria on ebay over food that looked like stuff.
There was that $36000 cheese sandwich that looked like the Virgin Mary :


A $1000 piece of Nutri grain that looked like ET, and some popcorn that apparently resembled the Virgin Mary holding the baby jesus! :


Well, today I made a discovery that could potentially make me a lot of money!
My biscuit looked like a teddy bear!


OK, I know what you're thinking.
Teddy bears are boring.

Well, luckily I also found a pretzel that looked like a bum in a g-string.



Uncanny isn't it!
:|

Hmm, well just be thankful I didn't use an actual photo of my own arse! I guarantee it's less smooth.

I'll be boning good (coming home) later.

When my mobile goes dead, or I leave it at home, or my memory's full and I can't receive any messages... IT IS CLEARLY THE END OF THE WORLD.
It's not so much that realistically you're expecting a call or text or anything, it's the fact that if someone wanted to, they couldn't. I mean, today might be the day that Oprah finally returns my calls!

It's the society we live in today, we need constant , and seriously, if I didn't have my mobile today, I'd DIE! Literally.... mine's so advanced these days that it regulates my heartbeat via bluetooth communication with my sinuatrial node.

But the one thing I can live without is predictive text. Well, don't get me wrong, I do love predictive text, and it makes my life so much easier.
Actually I've calculated that with the amount of texts I send on a daily basis, predictive text saves me about 30hours a week from when I didn't have it. Which incidentally is the amount of time I used to spend writing hate SMSs to Judith Lucy. It's really freed up my time.

So predictive isn't all bad, but it is when it guesses the wrong word for you.
You'll be typing a normal text, and thinking you're pretty damn clever because you don't need to look at the screen.. but it comes out all wrong!
It's not that bad when it's common words like "good" and it comes out "home" ... or "of" and it comes out "me" and vice versa. But there are some words that can really shock you and change your message so much! Like for instance how when you type the word "coal" it comes up with "cock" or "anal"! It can completely ruin the context of your SMS. Really embarrassing!
Seriously, I don't think anyone knows how awkward it is when you're typing a text to a girl, and instead of the dirty stuff you meant to write, it comes out with the word "coal" 10 times!

Imagine though, if predictive text wasn't just in mobile phones. Imagine if we as humans had predictive text built into our brains, "predictive speech" if you will. So when we go to speak and say a word, our brain comes up with the first word it thinks we meant to say, based on the letters.

Picture you're at the MCG watching Australia vs India. Instead of the crowd chanting loudly "Aussies Aussies Aussies Oi Oi Oi", it would come out "Curries Curries Curries Oh Oh Oh". Not the meaning thousands dressed in Green and Gold would want to portray.

Even just normal day to day conversation wouldn't be the same. A shopping list like "
Any peas, rare crabs, cake buns and ice cream cones" would translate to "Boy rears, rape Arabs, bald bums and had cream boner."

Again, embarrassing when you're in sexy land.

Now I'm off to watch Big Bro Uplate, or should I say Big Arm Upkate?
Nah, they scrapped Uncut this year.

Roaming Rodents

The other day I was up late and saw a mouse duck out from under the fridge. That's a mouse running fast, not some sort of freaky mutant rodent with a beak.

Now don't get me wrong, I do appreciate mice, and what they've done for us. I used to love watching Danger mouse, and Mickey Mouse, and Splinter from the Ninja turtles, and that Emma girl from big brother. And I love eating chocolate mouse (my mum spells it like that ok.) Hey, I'm even using one with my computer right now.
But they have to die. There is no other option.

We used to get them all over the place at work, and the worst thing is the mouse poo they leave everywhere.
On the kitchen bench, in mugs, everywhere! And they are pretty fearless too... even the mug with a picture of a scary looking cat on it got attacked.

Mouse poo isn't like normal poo either, it's tiny and odourless, and hard to see, you have to be really careful if you leave food lying around. And whilst I'm sure it's nutritious, and probably considered a delicacy in India, I also know it fails all of Australia's food safety standards, and therefore I'm not eating it. Although so does Pizza Hut pizza which I had the other night, so maybe I'm a hypocrite.

When we had them, me being the token staff room hanging out person, and one of only a few males at work, I was unofficially given the role of Mouse Killer. Unfortunately I didn't get to wear a cool hat or cape or lycra, but I did get to go around holding the dead bodies and saying cool catchphrases like "Say Cheese scumbag!"

As like other highly skilled military work, surveillance is an important part of the job. You have to think like the mouse, where would it hide, what would it do, what would it eat. Basically live and breathe its life. Be the mouse.
Although my boss thought I took it too far when he saw me rolling around in the dumpster and squealing at lunchtime.
Most of my survellience is done from the couch in the staff room. I watch a lot of cooking shows, and obviously all the talk about food stirs them up, because I often see them darting across the room from behind the bin to the broom closet, and vice versa. They treat the place like they are on holidays. The other day a couple were frolicking behind the fridge (or as us locals like to call it, Cold White Mountain.) Sometimes they float around the sink on minature inflatable crocodiles and sipping cocktails trying to catch a few rays through the window.
It's getting beyond a (bad) joke.

So we got some mousetraps. They come in a couple of different types these days. You can get these plastic ones that are quite simple, and quite safe too. You sort of click the back and it's loaded. Unfortunately they don't have much grunt. I can tell you, it's not fun at 9am trying to drown a mouse that's squealing and bleeding and thrashing around because the mousetrap only partially severed it's neck. If he wasn't wearing the tiny black gimp outfit and saying "that hurts good" in mouse-language, I'd probably feel sorry for the little sucker.

The other type of mousetrap you can get is the conventional sort. It has a little lever attached to a big fuck-off spring. THESE ARE THE SCARIEST FUCKING THINGS IN THE WORLD! Seriously. One false move and finger = gone! I have a very precise method of loading it, which involves pressing it down, pushing it into position with a broomstick and running the fuck away. Yep, I'm a macho man.

Although I shouldn't complain. They are a lot less complicated than the original mouse trap we had years ago. You had to get 3 people and a board and roll dice and set up funnels and ladders and stuff and roll marbles down a track until a little cage comes down. That was a pain in the arse! (Only people who grew up in the 80s will get that reference)

I'd hate it when I would set up traps but the cheeky buggers somehow got the food off without setting them off! Told you they were fearless.. I'm petrified about losing a finger and they'll happily risk their head to lick off jam with their tiny little furry tongues!

If I caught one I'd leave the body there as an example to the rest of them. Well that was my excuse for not wanting to touch the germy thing.
But even when you catch a few, they'll be back. Usually they come for a while, you manage to get rid of them, you think they're not coming back then just when you least expect it, much to your digust they return a few weeks later. Pretty similar to John Farnham.


Besides mice, the other thing I can't stand are spiders. They always seem to appear when you're at your most vunerable, like on the toilet, in the shower, or playing nude twister with exchange students.
Maybe deep down they're just perverts, masturbating with their 8 arms whilst you bathe yourself. We seem to get a lot of Daddy Long Legs in the shower. I don't know how they end up there, but I do know one thing, you never hear of Mummy Long Legs do you?

Maybe Daddy Long Legs are the queers of the insect world. I can imagine all their kids getting paid out at school by the bullants and wasps, for having two daddies and living in a pink web.


Oh, and once I saw a cockroach crawling on the outside of the showerscreen as I was taking a shower. Seriously, am I living in a third world country!? I can see it now, 60 minutes will burst down my door and report on the unhygenic and inhumane ways that my parents are raising me. I mean yesterday I didn't even get breakfast in bed!



And as a final thought : Isn't it strange how some expressions can be compliments, but if taken literally they don't have the same effect?

Like, how come when I call a girl "spunk-rat" she gets a bit flattered and embarrassed...but when I call a girl "cum-rodent" I get a slap on the face?

The Dalai Planet

So the Dalai Lama was just in town. I've never seen him live, but apparently there isn't much difference between his concerts and the Guns'N'Roses ones... if you believe the rumours that Axl has to breathe through an oxygen mask between songs.
So the Dalai, he was going to do some extra appearances that you had to buy tickets for, but apparently noone bought tickets!
Which begs the age old question :

If the Dalai Lama speaks in a stadium and noone is around, did he really speak at all?


The thing is, it's not just the public as a whole that snubbed him, none of the politicians wanted to meet up with him either. I think he needs an image revamp or something. Maybe he could get prison tatts like Chopper. Or get corporate sponsorship, like for instance the Daily Planet brothel could become the "Dalai Planet".
Or at least change his name. He could just go as "Dalai". It worked for Danni Minogue. And Lama isn't really a good surname either. It's too much like Llama.
Dalai Llama. Actually, I'd pay to see that :

Pizza Making. No really. (Bad jokes included)

One of the things I like doing is experimenting with food. And one of my signature things is pizza.
Some of my friends have asked me how I make them, so I thought I'd actually do an informative post about how I go about it.


Encino's dodgy pizza making guide. Complete with bad jokes.


(Makes 3 pizzas or so, depending on how thin and how large you go. Stop thinking dirty.)

The dough.

About 1.5 cups of warm water into a big bowl. Add a 7g satchet of dry active yeast, some sugar (or honey), some salt and some olive oil.

Stir it a bit, leave it for a few mins or until it froths up slightly. Like when I see Victoria's secret models on the telly.

Use a fork and start stirring in some flour. You'll probably end up using 3 -3.5 cups, but you don't need to get carried away with measuring. I find measuring anything is boring. That's probably why I have so many speeding fines, and the desk I made is kind of oblong shaped.

Just add flour until it forms a soft dough. Then tip it onto a floured surface, and keep adding flour over the top and kneading. Bear in mind this is "kneading" and not "needing". You don't want to be standing at the kitchen bench in tears complaining that the dough isn't there for you enough.

Should take a few mins, and you'll have a non sticky dough that is slightly elastic to the touch. Ie it springs back a bit when you poke it. Like my dad's pot belly. Although since you're dealing with food you probably don't want to be thinking about that.

Lightly oil a bowl, stick the dough in, cover it with a teatowel and leave it for about 30mins - 45mins in a warm place... basically until it doubles in size. Stop thinking dirty.

After that, you can cut it into about 3 equal pieces. Keep the other pieces covered with a teatowel to stop them drying out while you are working on one. If you're racist, don't worry, this doesn't make the dough turn Muslim or anything.

At this time you can turn the heater on full to start getting it cranking. Stop thinking dirty!

Roll it into a ball. Sprinkle some semolina or extra flour onto the work surface, and pat the ball down hard to flatten it. Like when your girlfriend comes home late. Not that I'm one of those guys that beats up on a woman or anything.
You can just use a rolling pin and thin it out, but I'm lazy, and like to play with my food, so I usually stretch it by hand, and do tricky flips and stuff to impress the lay-dees.
Remember with pizzas that they are like supermodels, the thinner the better.

Either get a perforated pizza tray, or put it on baking paper directly on the oven racks, or onto a hot terracotta tile/pizza stone. Spray some oil onto the tray or baking paper first, then put the base on that. Then spray some oil onto the base. Olive oil or vegetable oil is fine. Just not the GTX2 from the garage.

If you're going to use tomato sauce base, then just buy the passata cooking sauce or pureed tomatoes, and add some olive oil and herbs to it. You could also use pesto as a base, or any other sauce, (ie sweet chilli, bbq). Or you could have a marscapone cheese base.
This is also good as a base for dessert pizzas, or use chocolate sauce.

Usually the order of ingredients is sauce, herbs, cheese, meat, other stuff. Bear in mind that this "other stuff" should usually be edible. Tomato, playdough and lego pizza might sound good when you've had a few drinks, but in reality, not so good.

Remember it's not www.ingredient-gangbang.com here...more than about 4 or 5 will spoil it.

Whack it in the oven on full heat, on the top shelf. You may want to rotate it after a few mins, to even out the golden brownness.. kind of like rolling yourself over at the beach.

That's it! Bit of rocket and lemon juice on top afterwards, or some fresh herbs like basil or rosemary always looks impressive. It's the pizza equivalent of shoving socks down your undies.

Hitler carries a soldering iron.

So, I'm in the middle of a pretty major house renovation. No doubt a few of my posts on here will be house related.
Today, I'd like to talk about my sparkies...see I'm a bit worried about the guys doing the electrical wiring at my house.
It appears like they are doing an OK job - most of the things are correct, but I'm more concerned that they might be Nazis!
I first thought they were just balding, but after looking around the place, it appears that they are trying to hide some of their extreme views inside my walls, as some sort of subliminal hate movement!

Here, see for yourself! :

Welcome

There are lots of things in the world that I was slow to get into. Mobile phones, tim tam slams, and peeing in an upright position come to mind. But this time I'm on top of things. I'm starting a blog. It's kind of a dare, and at least this time I get to keep my clothes on. Well, err ...

So sit back, relax, grab yourself a spoon, and we'll get acquainted. This will be mainly a collection of my random thoughts, bad jokes, and crazy theories on relevant topics of the day, such as the ideal temperature to listen to Kenny G music.

But I think it would be wrong of me to build this up, and leave you disappointed at the end. Like when you spend an hour baking a strawberry cake, and have this brainwave that adding Vegemite might add to the flavour, only to find out 2hrs later bent over the toilet bowl that maybe it wasn't a good idea afterall.

So, I'll just write the first thing that comes to my head now, and we can sort out if you belong here or not. If you decide to stick around, that's great. But if someone from the mental health foundation tracks you down and starts asking questions, I'm not involved.

:

The other night at the bar, there was a massive line for the toilets, and a guy came in and said "I hate queues!". I replied that I hate W's, and he giggled and patted me on the back. We shared a moment.


Ah well, it was nice having you.