How to shop like a man.

Let's start this off with my favourite (bad) shopping joke :

What's the difference between a shopping bag and Michael Jackson?
One's white, plastic and dangerous to children. The other holds groceries.


I am hopeless at grocery shopping. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's because I'm a man. Maybe it's because I'm single. Maybe it's because I've lived at home for too long. Or maybe it's because subconsciously I've become so dysfunctionally dependant on technology that I figure if you can't buy it on eBay then maybe I don't actually need tomato sauce to be able to function.

Whatever the reason, I suck at it. I think part of it stems from my childhood...I could never understand why Mum would buy things like party pies just for regular day to day consumption. I always wanted to know when the party was. And shopping with Dad was equally as confusing. I've always had a diverse palate, so I'd constantly be asking for ingredients for things like Sushi, which Dad would quickly shut down, citing such logical reasons like "No we're not getting that puncey shit." That would be normally fair enough , except for the fact that 5 minutes later there he is in the personal hygeine section smelling the body washes for the fragrance he liked best. Apparently "fruity apricot moisturising wash" is so much more masculine that buying sushi rice and nori sheets.


I guess most of the problem lies in the fact that I'm disorganised in planning things in general. I like to wing things, and going to Coles is no exception. In typical man fashion when I go shopping it's usually for a specific reason, like I'm cooking something, so I just stroll in and start grabbing stuff. I also tend to underestimate the amount of storage I need. It's usually after about 10mins and I've got bags of potatoes and onions under each arm, canned tomatoes in each hand and a whole chicken grasped tightly between my chin and neck that I realise maybe I should have grabbed a basket or trolley to being with.
Plus I have trolley issues stemming from one time when it swallowed my dollar coin. It seems all of them these days need a coin in to hire one. I don't get that, I mean if I was planning on stealing a trolley (and let's face it, it is the coolest form of transport around), I reckon a dollar would be a bargain. Except of course if it was one of those semi retarded trolleys with one broken wheel that leans to the right, then maybe I'd regret losing that dollar.

What accounts for the majority of my time in supermarkets though, is actually choosing what I want. I'm the type of person that would go out without hesitation and blow $200 in a night out on alcohol, cabs, and paying a busker to sing "Sweet Child of Mine" in a reggae style, but will also spend 10 minutes comparing sizes and amounts and gram to dollar ratios to save 2c on generic brand coconut milk. I also have no idea how supermarkets are organised. So instead of being methodical, I just end up going down every aisle like a misguided tourist with a non English map. We don't have a pet anymore, but I still go down the pet food aisle! I'm one of those annoying people you see standing in front of one item for about 5 mins. I pick up one brand, read the label, put it back, and do the same to another. Then I look around and compare to other stuff, and basically get in the way of all the people who are wheeling down trolleys grabbing stuff like they are in a time trial.
I do however, unlike my father, get embarrassed if I linger too long in a section that's a bit unmanly. If I need shampoo for instance, I'll get in there, grab it, and get out, just like I'm in training for the bomb squad. I don't want people standing there assuming I'm looking at hair dye, fake tan, or tampons that are nearby (just like I assume about other people standing in front of there.) I'm extreme in this fear of looking girly. In fact, I now refuse to buy "chickpeas" and just buy regular "peas" instead.

The last source of discomfort at the supermarket seems to be the checkout. There is always that insincere "how are you today?" which you are expected just to grunt accordingly. Any effort to actually describe your day will just mean you are considered a pest. And when they are passing you the bags, it's just so awkward! If you let them just put the bag down, then you look like you are ungrateful. But attempting to grab it off them is a huge risk of one of those awkward moments when your fingers linger with theirs. I never know if it's intentional or not, but let's just say, I think there is a big difference in "do you have fly buys?" vs "do you have fly buys? "

Maybe I should just use Colesonline.