My life is full of......... hmmm
I recently had my birthday, which gets the usual jibes of "happy birthday old man", and the stranges ones like "congratulations" and "well done", like they weren't expecting you to make it another year!
But you do kind of reflect a bit. Where your life is at, how many grey hairs you have, how many restraining orders are currently pending against you.
So here's a summary of the key things in my life at the moment.
My life is full of irony. I eat party pies when I'm not having a party. I like pole dancing, yet I'm not Polish. I chew cough lollies when I don't have a cough. Oh, except that time when I chewed one too fast, a piece got stuck in my throat and I started coughing. Now that's ironic.
My life is full of people only calling me when they want stuff. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of good people in my life that catch up just because they want to catch up with me. But there are also a heap of people who only want you for what you can do for them. Just last week I had one friend call wanting advice on something dumb , one friend call wanting me to fit them in for an "emergency" at my work, one lady from the electricity company wanting me to pay my overdue bill. It gets tiring.
My life is full of stupid instructions. I found myself staring at the container of Orange Juice before. For ages. I was only following instructions...the side of the container said "Orange Juice CONCENTRATE !"
I saw a sign on the freeway the other day that said “Next Turn Off Left”. For the next 1km I racked my brain to think of reasons a turn off would just pack up and go.
Oh, and this label on the side of a blank CD. The first three you probably wouldn't do, but it's handy to know. The last one however... hmmm. :
My life is full of cheese. The edible kind (like gouda, feta and gorgonzola), and also the non-edible kind (like Hasselhoff, Zoolander and Nova FM music). I think I need to be edgier. A bit more indie. Maybe a tattoo of the Hoff.
My life is full of sick people. Not "sick" as in keep body parts in the freezer and touch animals inappropriately, sick as in "oh my god i'm going to die of this cold". I don't seem to get sick very often, but there is always someone around me that's complaining about something. "My nose is leaking like a tap." Yeah, well that's just stupid! A properly installed tap shouldn't leak anyway! Serves you right for getting that non-English speaking plumber who uses cheap parts.
Although at least there aren't any major illnesses going around at the moment for people to get all hypochondriacal about. Gee, remember when the Bird Flu was apparently around, everyone was lining up for immunizations and stuff. There are so many conflicting stories about it, and especially where it originated.. I heard it started in Europe, and actually came from Turkey. But then someone else said it came from Chicken, so now I'm confused.
My life is full of strange Taxi drivers. There's the one who told me I have "beautiful hair". There's the one who told me www.adultmatchermaker.com is the best place to get "jiggy jiggy". And there's the one who dropped me off at 4am the other morning who told me to "have a nice night". I don't know what he thought I was going to get up to, but I was straight into bed.
My life is full of people who act smart. Not "smart" as in discussing the atomic weight of suspended hydrogen particles in molecular dysmorphia..."smart" as in "Your Mama's so fat ..when she steps on the scales it says 'to be continued'."
Although if you think about it, if they were actual "smart" people, being "smart" to eachother, they might have come up with something like "Your mother's so fat... she might have a genetic disorder linked to an inability to breakdown lipids inside the body."
My life is full of buying things on ebay. And not useful things either. I have to admit I got excited when I bought a “time machine to transport you to the 80s” from ebay, only to receive a broken watch with a picture of Boy George on it.
And finally (for now), my life is full of the internet. I couldn't live without it. The constant checking of emails, and just generally googling stuff. If it were an olympic sport I'd have a gold medal by now.
My brother setup my computer and he's a little bit internet security obsessed (and paranoid). He has all these firewalls and stuff installed...some websites don't even load properly. In fact he has so many popup blockers installed my toast wouldn't come up this morning.
