Underneath the gaydar

Well, before I get into today's issue at hand, I must preface this blog entry with the fact that I am a completely straight red blooded male who loves women and beer. Well not exactly red blooded, I could be a bit anemic.
Medical issues aside though, and ignoring the fact that I own a Ricky Martin T-shirt, I'm into chicks. In fact I say the word "chicks" a lot. That should alone be proof of my heterosexuality...seriously, try to imagine a camp guy lisping the word "chicks". It doesn't work does it?


So, why am I being defensive about my sexuality? Well, the other night was a first for me...I went to a gay bar. Now before you start jumping to conclusions, there is a valid explanation, and it doesn't involve me wearing any sort of arse-less pants or satin mini skirts. I was meeting a girl there, who had gone with some friends from work, who happened to be male ballerinas (surprise surprise).

I thought I'd be more weirded out than I was. If you think about it, I paid ten bucks to get in, the place was packed with guys, and the few girls there were ordinary looking, man hating and unfriendly. Not really any different to a normal night out in Melbourne really.

Another eye opener for the uninitiated and naive is that you shouldn't expect them all to look like Zac Efron or the blonde dude from N Sync. Fags come in all shapes and sizes. Short, tall, asian, non-asian, topless, moustached.. the only recurring theme is that they all like male anatomy, and probably roller blading.

I was scared to go to the toilet, because I didn't know what sort of stuff would be going down, pun intended. So I got in and out as quickly as possible, and tried not to touch anything on the way. Read into that statement what you will.

There was one major complaint I had though. Actually I was quite offended. None of the gays hit on me! Not that I wanted them too, but WHY NOT!? What's wrong with me?
Why couldn't I be treated like Paris Hilton in the middle of a construction site? (Or my mate Mario at house parties.. but that's an in joke for another time.)
C'mon, I was the tallest bloke there, I've got a bit of sexual ambiguity going on, at least buy me a (potentially drug spiked) drink or something!
I stood around for a few minutes waiting alone at one stage, and nothing! The occasional lingering touch while they brushed past, but otherwise nothing! I even jokingly "presented" at one stage by leaning over the cigarette machine with my friend. Nothing! No ass grope or anything.
The only random bloke that spoke to me was this goofy looking guy who was standing next to us outside, and made conversation how he was excited to watch a straight guy and straight girl "play mind games" with eachother before they "get it on".
What!? I'm offended! Why did he assume we were straight? I could have been an outrageous queen with my hot lesbian friend, both out looking for weird group sex or something. You could have at least tried something on instead of just assuming we were straight! All I wanted was an offer. Anything. Maybe even a "hi there" with a wink, just to know I'm wanted. Obviously I wouldn't be taking up said offers, but I wanted to know how it felt to be on the giving end of a man rejection. I was going to say I wanted to see how it felt to reject someone that could possibly also beat me up... but most of the women I turn down also fall into that category.

So it's a bit depressing to know that if my brain was wired differently, and instead of craving beautiful girls I wanted the anal pleasure of a shirtless Asian named Grantley, I'd be a failure.

Honestly, it's ridiculous. I'm at my physical peak. I should be classed as prime tender young meat for predatory fags.
I'm right to be upset, yes?

10 second quiz

Normally when you do these long quizzes you're supposed to make the excuse "I never do these.. but I'm bored!", or else people will think you're strange and have too much free time on your hands.
Well, I won't make excuses... I'm just strange, but I'm sure you all knew that.






Here we go :











In retrospect, do you wish you had studied harder or had more fun?
Studied harder sounds like spending time in the library on viagra, so I'll go with the more fun option. Although, that kind of sounds like fun anyway!

I like to put mayo on...
nnaise

How many days past expiration are you willing to drink milk?
It has an expiration date?

I wish my parents had named me...
a cool soap star type name! Eg. Harold.

What's your occupation?
I work in a small drilling company. (For those who don't know me, yes I'm a dentist. I'm sorry in advance.)

What colour are your eyes?
Blue. Sometimes patients tell me I have nice eyes.. at least I know they aren't looking up my nose.

Do you sleep with a stuffed toy?
For your information his name is Bingo, and we prefer the term "making love"

The last time I actually cooked something, I made...
up for a lack of coconut milk by simple adding coconut to milk. Who knew that wouldn't work?!? That should be another warning on the carton.. next to the "OPEN OTHER SIDE" warning.

Paper, plastic, or re-usable?
I sincerely hope we aint talking about condoms

Quick! Make up a sport! (example: Awesomeball)
Gerbil tossing. PS. Awesomeball sounds like the lamest game ever. Besides, it's what I call my right testicle.

I'd be totally screwed without...
nails. Get it. I'd use screws instead of nails. Yeah. That's a good one isn't it. I should write for Rove.

In a zombie attack, will you hide, fight back, or just blend in?
I'll blend in. I've seen the Thriller video clip many times. We'll be dancing in robotic harmony in no time.

My comfort food is...
rosemary flavoured pillows. They aren't that tasty, but they're pretty comfy.

When was the last time you gave your parents a call?
Does shouting "MUM DID YOU BUY ME ANY UNDIES AT THE STORE TODAY?" count?

Voldemort or Sauron?
No, the doctor cleared me of all STDs!

When do you normally go to bed?
First thing in the morning

I'm down with...
down's syndrome.

People think that I'm...
a bullfighter. It's probably the red cape and Spanish accent.

What picture do you use as your desktop background?
A photo of my desktop. Sometimes I forget how it looks behind the computer.

Ah! To be young and...
not know any better. Really, the day I found out Dame Edna was really a man shattered my whole world.

What makes you homesick?
The last time I had seafood curry at some makeshift Thai restaurant in Smith st I had to cancel work and stay home with the runs for a week.

My backpack/purse/wallet contains the following surprising things:
A piano. Well, actually I just made that up. It's more of an electric keyboard. I really wanted a keytar but noone was selling one on ebay.

I like to put ketchup on...
my wrist and run around screaming that I had an accident with the broom. Never fails, even though logically it makes no sense.

Quick! What's a creative way to recycle an empty toilet paper tube?
Beginner Didgeridoo, makeshift telescope, wrist band for really skinny emos.

Jessica Alba or Jessica Simpson?
Alba. It's easier to spell.

The moon landing was...
a straight to video 80s college movie about a road trip, starring a young Burt Reynolds and lots of bare bottoms.

Everything is negotiable in a relationship, except...
the $180 per hour fee. I learned the hard way.

My parents would kill me if I came home with...
a terminal illness

For my first wish, I wish...
for endless wishes.

When did "10 seconds" become "2 hours"?
When my microwave broke.

I want my last meal to be...
as spicy and flatulance inducing as possible. If I'm going to die I may as well leave a legacy.

What flavor Jello are you?
Anchovy

David Bowie, David Hasselhoff, or David Spade?
David Duchovney.

Who would play you in a movie version of your life?
Leisure Suit Larry

Late at night, I like to eat...
the 2 week old cheese that sits at the back of the fridge. It's my secret shame.

Pop Culture is...
A saliva sample taken from Granddad?

Stop! In the name of...
7

If you were coated in jelly, what flavor would you prefer?
Orange. Because then I'd look all tanned and shit.

Quick! Make up a first name:
Savage

Salty or sweet?
Salty. I'm sweet enough thanks. (Yeah it's cheesy, but it always gets a smile from the old bag at Starbucks)

Nothing beats...
an egg like a whisk. Although forks are just as good. Actually my mum's electric beater does ok too.

The answer to the ultimate question is...
Definitely maybe!

What's your magic word?
Cashews

Why does paper beat rock?
Because with paper you can write inspiring words, whereas "rock" these days includes Shannel Noll and Stephanie McIntosh. Yes, I'm deep.

When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
An adult. I failed.

I read 'Playboy' for the...
cryptic crosswords

What would you do for a new car?
Buy a raffle ticket from Bunnings. And a sausage.. them's good value pieces of meat.

What's your favorite kids' cereal?
I'm not sure... the Hey Dad website doesn't mention what the little fat kid (my favourite kid) eats for brekkie!

I wish I could change my...
underwear without feeling the urge to gyrate like an exotic dancer.

Bananas in pajamas are...
a metaphor for something dirty. All kids shows are. For instance : "Open wide, Cum inside".. seriously Playschool should be investigated.

What was your worst fashion mistake?
I used to own a white shiny satin shirt with a big collar. I know, I know, what was I thinking? White is so boring.

I'm looking forward to...
yesterday.

I collect...
collectors. All I need is a guy who collects toenails and someone who collects vintage photos of dancing turtles, and I'll have the whole set.

What's your favorite type of cuisine?
Lean

If I lived in the year 1800, my profession would be...
Court Jester. Or town bike. Literally. I'd be like the first ever taxi driver.

I like my women how I like my...
...cocktails. Cheap, wet and full of alcohol.

My name should be listed in the Wikipedia entry for...
"Give me the Wiki". A phrase coined by Dan to mean "summarise for me". In Japanese it translates to something dirty.

What's your favorite 80's band?
I only have about 79 favourites, so I don't think I can answer this.

How many times is it acceptable to wear a pair of pants before washing them?
Until people stop believing that the wine stains are actually part of the designer pattern.

I always mispronounce...
my name.

If I had a time machine, I'd...
Sell it on ebay. I bet some kook would buy it.

What's your favorite type of cheese?
I love all cheese equally. And not in the gross "special cuddles" way you're thinking. This makes me wonder though, when you take a photo of cheese, what do you make it say? "Smile!" ?

What was the best advice you ever received?
Don't listen to advice. I'm not sure whether I should have taken that advice or not. I'm confused now. Mummy!

What are the odds that this interview never ends and is just a psych experiment?
You mean like that time I was kidnapped by Aliens (not the outerspace kind... the illegal mexican kind), and forced to answer questions about morse code and the composition of cottage cheese? Doubt it. Those mexicans were smarter than anyone on my email list.

My first word was probably...
Word. Even as a tiny feller I was both urbanly cool like a ghetto playa, and blatantly obvious.

What's your favorite brand?
I'm against cruelty to cows with heated metal prods! Except for the purpose of steak sandwiches.

What will JT bring back next now that sexy is officially back?
Unsexy. It's all about cycles.

What color underwear are you currently wearing?
Pervert. The 22 hour a day upskirt cam I kindly provide should be enough. Give me 2 hours of privacy, that's all I ask!

If you were famous, what would you be famous for?
Australian champion at pronouncing the word onomatopoeia. I'd be world champion if it weren't for that bastard from Germany. Damn you Klaus. Bam Biff Boom!

What would your superhero name be?
Fartboy

Love is great, but I'd also marry for...
a Whopper burger combo. Or just regular onion rings. I'm easy.

What will your wedding band be made out of?
2 guitarists, a drummer, and a bass player who sings and plays the triangle.a xylophonist and a dude on one of those percussive fish things that you scrape.

If you had to get a tattoo, what would it be?
I'd get a tattoo on my inner thigh, of my inner thigh. That way I could be all badass and tattooed, and still look clean cut and business like in my speedos.

Who the f&%k is Josephine!?

I have a problem with my mobile phone. It's nothing to do with my bill, or the embarrassing obsession with using it to check my email and sometimes facebook while I'm out - it has to do with my address book.
As with most other things in my life it's really disorganised. I have nicknames instead of names, I have names with more than one number so I don't know which is the new one, I have multiple names that I can't differentiate, and most of all, I have a bunch of names I don't even know.
My problem is that I'm a fairly social drunk, and a fairly trashy drunk to boot. I collect and hoarde numbers like they are valuable clippings of Tom Selleck's chest hair (which is currently fetching around $102 per clump on ebay). I've recently started doing a couple of things to try and alleviate the problem. I'm saving a brief description of the person after their name, so therefore "Emma from pub" and "Amanda stuck in floor" (don't ask), I can recall easily. I'm also doing a really nerdy thing where I add them on facebook via my mobile. This means I not only have contact with them, but also a photo I can look at later to jog my memory, and a full name if I ever want to steal their identity for fraud. Smart thinking hey!
But before I had this technology or antisocial internerd streak, I of course ended up with numbers, mainly of girls, that I can't remember. I think it's time I let go, but I always worry about if they call me down the track, out of the blue, and then I won't know who it is!
What if it's that hottie I pashed at Heat nightclub circa 2003, that never returned my text because she's with Optus, and only just got it now? What if it's that funny girl from the backpacker bar that I forgot to call? What if that guy "Steve matress guy" that promised me cheap matresses from his cousin's factory has finally got my order?
It's all too hard, but I think it's time to cull. So I'm going through my phone today, and thinking long and hard about each number I don't recall. I've actually got a pretty good memory, which is surprising considering my years of heavy drinking and watching bad reality TV, so after a while, I can usually work out who it is, and where I met them, even if a bit vaguely.
But there's one number I can't work out. One which I'm tempted to call just to satisfy my curiousity. One number that could belong to a supermodel, or a pushy drag queen with an endless supply of rohypnol. It's going to drive me crazy, at least for the next minute it takes for me to post this.

WHO THE FUCK IS JOSEPHINE!?!?

Transport really is a sport

So I just got my licence back recently after not driving for 6 months. Yes I was naughty, but contrary to popular belief I didn't lose it for driving along singing Bon Jovi too loudly in a residential area. That though, is one of the things I look forward to doing again.. being able to sing along to songs, pick my nose when I want, and possibly travel with very little clothing on..without the strange looks from other commuters. Which, as it turns out, all carry a $285 on the spot fine from Metlink. Oops.

Anyway the demerit points accumulated from way too many fixed speed cameras booking me at insignificant speeds like 103km/hour. So much wasted money in fines, at one stage even 3 times in the one week. I had so many speeding tickets on my desk that I creatively arranged them on a canvas, in the hope that it would earn me a "fine arts" degree. (For those keeping count, that my friend is a really "bad pun".)

Now I'm back driving and it's the little things that are annoying me. Having to fill up petrol, having to contend with traffic, and especially roadwork! Seriously, they are widening all these lanes on the route I take to work... why the hell didn't they get it right the first time when they built it!
Although just quietly, I secretly want to be one of those guys who holds the "Slow" and "Stop" sign. I wonder if it requires intensive training.

But don't get me wrong, driving is much nicer than the train. And the BO is usually a lot better in my car, depending on what I've been doing.
I never know where to look on the train. I usually find I end up with a stare buddy...someone you keep catching looking at you, and vice versa. Normally I kind of just stare out the window, or stare at my own feet. But you are aware this person is staring at you. Occasionally you'll look up and catch them. You're mesmorised by them. You both turn away, but instantly you want to look again to see if they are staring still. It gets interesting when you go through a tunnel, because you can look at the reflection in the window and stare at them. Until they catch you, then you panic and look back at your feet. Then look up again to see if they are still looking. Just like the city loop, it's an endless circle.

Die Hard 5 : Weekend in Ikea

In the Die Hard series, Bruce Willis's character utters the catchphrase "Yippee Kai-ay motherfucker". I'm pretty sure that this was the result of big corporate censorship, as most likely the original was "Bloody Ikea Motherfucker!"

So I headed down to Ikea today. Mum wanted to come, which meant Dad wanted to come, which meant I had a long day ahead of me.
The car trips are always fun when it's the both of them. A slight bump in the road sends one of them screaming "Oooh" like they are in physical pain. It's pretty much the most stressful environment ever, it's like performing complex brain surgery on the prime minister. They've both got different opinions on how to drive and which way to take, which of course differ to mine. So there is yelling to and fro from them, and in the meantime I'm trying hard not to smash into pedestrians or people on bikes (except those fuckers that ride two deep... they can go flying).
So anyway, we get there and I've forgotten what it's like, and why you should never go on the weekend. I think they should sell a survival kit before you enter.. complete with water for dehydration, a compass for when you get lost, and a knife for slashing the tyres of prams that bump into the back of your heels.
After hours of wandering I had chosen what I wanted, and was now faced with the mass of cardboard boxes from which I had to pick. Except my item wasn't there, I had to "order" it from the kitchen department, who would give me a slip which I would take to the cashier, then go to the collection bay! So it was back to the start, then to the end again, then a lazy 30min wait while some bozo at the back picks up one measly box from the back that I could have collected myself!
I honestly think we could lower the crime rate significantly if instead of judges handing out prison sentences, they handed out Ikea sentences instead.
"Mr Smith, for the crime of first degree murder with malicious intent, the court finds you guilty as charged, and sentences you to 7 yrs in Ikea."