Love is in the air... do doo do do doo do..

So, there's a special day coming up that probably a lot of couples are looking forward to...maybe the girls moreso than the guys. Just in case you were being perverted and automatically assumed it's the release date of the new "Pulsator 2000 clit stimulator".. guess again you sicko. It's Valentine's day!
Yes, very soon love will be in the air... which will be a welcome relief, because since everyone stopped smoking in clubs all I seem to smell is farts and BO!

It's one of the few days a year that people in relationships get to rub it in on their lowly single friends. I guess it counteracts the huge amounts of "suck shit married guy" they cop the rest of the year.

So you might be wondering if I have a Valentine this year... well the answer is no. Now you may find this hard to believe with my charismatic charm (I can swear in about 5 languages), movie star good looks (I often get told I look like a caveman), and obvious high intelligence (I learned today that people from Albania don't actually have white skin and pink eyes!!)...but it's true. I just seem to always be in flings, rather than relationships. Oh, and if you're reading this under the impression that you're my valentine this year, then either disregard this, or stop stalking me.

I really do love being single. I can go out whenever I want, watch whatever I want on telly, fart loudly without having to blame it on a dog. Obviously there are times when you do feel like maybe it would be nice to have someone around, to squeeze those impossible to reach zits on your back, but mostly being single is good. Around this time of year though, it does feel sometimes like the world is rubbing it in, especially when you see all the stuff in the shopping centres, like the lovey dovey vommit inducing stock standard flowers and choccies etc..
Even at work we have this lady that comes by and drops off books for the staff to look at and purchase, the other day one of them was the appropriately titled cookbook "Just for one", with the equally patronising back cover blurb "Spending the night alone doesn't mean settling for cheese on toast." Seriously, is that what people think of us who aren't in relationships, that we are too incompetent to even cook anything other than frozen dinners, 2 minute noodles and cheese on toast!? I guess that's why Kraft called their sliced cheese "Singles". Seriously, just because I don't have a girlfriend doesn't mean I'm a povo uni student!


Now I'm not anti V day or relationships. I'm just not normally into big corny open displays of affection (unless you count drunken disco pashing). Normally I'm pretty lazy and relaxed when it comes to girls, but when I find someone who has the trifecta (looks, brains and humour) or quadrella (looks, brains, humour and a buy one get one free voucher at the bottle shop) I go weak at the knees like an arthritic man in a nursing home, who has just been shot in the legs and has to be carried around in a wheelchair... ok you get the point. But what I'm saying is I'm not afraid to take a chance and show my feelings if it's necessary. Although since the "indecent exposure" charge last year I now realise that "show myself feeling" is an entirely different thing.

Now, you're probably asking yourself why am I giving this in depth insight into my psyche?
Well it's simple.
I figure if I lay on this soft and sympathetic crap it gives all the chicks out there who read this time to go and buy me something nice. Like an old Michael Bolton t-shirt with authentic old lady lipstick marks on it. Now get to it girls, so I can rub it in to my other single mates.

Here's my card for you in return.



Hmmm.. maybe there's a reason I haven't got a date.