Danthena Starman

There are so many unanswered questions in the world, such as "before they invented the drawing board, what did they go back to?" and "is baby oil made from real babies?"

People seek guidance through many avenues, and one common one is to read the daily horoscopes.
In reality though, just like when you're driving in Europe, reading the signs isn't easy.
With all that ambiguous drivel, it can be bloody confusing. The first time I read that Mercury was in retrograde I just figured it meant my thermometer was broken.

Well, fear no more. I'm here to help by analysing the stars for you, and I don't mean telling you that Owen Wilson needs a nose job.

I should clarify though, I don't actually have any crystal balls (or anything else from Sexyland), but I thought I would take the time out of my really busy schedule to explain a horoscope in laymen's terms, so you can discover its true meaning. (By the way, if anyone sees me online in half an hour remind me Big Brother is on).


So without further ado, I will now go all mystic.


CANCER (JUNE 22 - JULY 23)
The romantic partner of your dreams could very well enter your life at any moment. You’ll recognize them immediately by the electric current between the two of you. At work, stay focused to ensure a competitor doesn’t get ahead.

Dan's expert analysis :
You have been trying to fight it for so long, but it's time that you owned up to the fact you are sexually attracted to the microwave in the staff room. Watch out though, the new bitch in marketing has been eyeing him off too.

LEO (JULY 24 - AUG 23)
Increased messages, education and information sees you mentally downloading from the universe. Fine tune those communications but do keep an eye on the phone bill. A positive time connected to education and relating.

Dan's expert analysis :
It's very hard checking your myspace, emailing people and downloading full length movies when you are on miserable dialup. Plus the excess megabyte fees are expensive. Learn your lesson.. it's time to get broadband.

VIRGO (AUG 24 - SEPT 23)
This is a good time to take an in depth survey of your most important relationship. Study yourself first and determine whether any harbored anger is causing you to sabotage the connection. Tackle whatever problems exist in a healthy, direct way.

Dan's expert analysis :
Get to know yourself by masturbating as much as possible. If you're too exhausted, try taking vitamins.

LIBRA (SEPT 24 - OCT 23)
Only acceptance will allow you to move on. Remember a new seed grows from the same place, that you originally buried it. Have faith that although nothing is forever, life actually is. Living in the present is what you need now.

Dan's expert analysis :
Look, just deal with the fact that you're fat, unattractive and might possibly never have sex again. Go check on that marijuana plant you've put in the backyard, it's probably big enough to smoke now. Roll yourself a spliff and contemplate the meaning of life.

SCORPIO (OCT 24 - NOV 22)
There are changes at the top, as the power brokers reshuffle the checkerboard. Read the winds of change and set your sails accordingly. There are new starts ahead impacting on your status or career.

Dan's expert analysis :
All the bosses at work are swingers, they wife swap regularly. Make subtle hints to the right people and you'll be invited to the next party on their high priced yacht. You'll be climbing that corporate ladder to success in no time.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV 23 - DEC 22)
If it's not children that please you then you're giving birth to something new. This creative project really has wings. It pays to network now. A case of finding an appreciative audience for your talents.

Dan's expert analysis :
Even though it was thought scientifically impossible, you've found a way to conceive with birds. You're a freak, join one of those circus sideshows and you'll become rich with your half pigeon half human deviant babies.


CAPRICORN (DEC 23 - JAN 20)
This is a time that is especially favorable for enjoying friends, acquaintances and also your primary partner. Taking a "sentimental journey" together would tighten your bond of connection. A friend from the past may surface for a visit or you may choose to seek out someone to say hello.

Dan's expert analysis :
Finally someone has responded to your ad in the personals section for a dirty threesome with your missus. By cooincidence it's a friend from primary school. Dirty bastard.

AQUARIUS (JAN 21 - FEB 19)
Relationships may feel intense and complicated at this time. You may sense some negative force at work. If this is so, look deeply inside for a hidden motive. If this does not exist, then ask your partner whether he/she notices any discomfort. An open discussion will work wonders.

Dan's expert analysis :
It's possible your mate from primary school gave your girlfriend gonnorhea. It's tough, but you have to let her know. Better have her checked out.

PISCES (FEB 19 - MAR 20)
Resist the temptation to be impulsive this week, Virgo. A decision regarding your personal or financial life that is made in haste could result in future regret. A friend or colleague has some great advice, take notice before you leap into a rash choice.

Dan's expert analysis :
Always bet on black. You were gonna bet on red weren't you? Silly bugger.

ARIES (MARCH 21 - APRIL 20)
When it concerns living, and the level of lifestyle you've been used to or want to become used to, you can't avoid bringing up finances. In any negotiations over the weekend concerning cash, make sure you don't come off second best.

Dan's expert analysis :
Rent's due, you're gas bill is overdue, and they've cut off your phone. Time to reconsider that topless waitressing job that the sleazy guy at the pub keeps offering you. Haggle well and you'll be on easy street in no time.

TAURUS (APRIL 21 - MAY 21)
There's no free lunch, Taurus, and that means you also need to get something out of your good natured-ness to keep relations on an equal keel. There's nothing wrong with being selfish, that's how win-win outcomes are arrived at.

Dan's expert analysis :
Time to confront the bitch at work who has been stealing your food from the fridge.
Tell the ho that if she does it again, her mouth won't be the only place you shove your your leftover caesar salad.

GEMINI (MAY 22 - JUNE 21)
To snare that perfect job or promotion, you'll want to get noticed by the power players who can make the decisions. This is your year to advance, if extra cash hasn't already made it's way to the bank account, then it's in transit.

Dan's expert analysis :
You want a pay raise? Wear a short skirt to work, or show a lot of cleavage. If that doesn't work offer to have naked cuddles with your immediate superior in the tea room. That diamond ring you've lusted for will almost certainly be yours.